Monday, 25 June 2012
Hello to the Queen of Swords
I feel weird. And sad.
At the end of this week, my son will leave the innocent delights of Primary School behind him and set his face towards his secondary school education in August. I should feel happy - we're halfway through his formal education and we're doing fine. Right?
But I laid out his uniform for him this morning and waves of sadness washed over me as I hung up the little white shirt and tie. 'This is the last Monday that I'll do this for him,' I thought.
I know. I am totally working Queen of Cups reversed.
He has mixed feelings about moving on too. On one hand he is excited about the new challenge. On the other, he is wary of being one of the Wee Ones again in a new school. 'We're starting at the beginning again,' he told me glumly as he straightened his tie.
Yes, we are. But it's a whole new ball game.
He's growing his hair.
His feet are nearly the same size as mine.
He's got the full eye-rolling, sotto voce cursing, audible sighing thing down to an art form. And he's not even 12 yet.
Honestly? I miss the little boy that he was very much. His small, hot hand readily snaking into mine to cross the road..... the guileless hugs and kisses.
These days I'm too uncool to be seen with, so he walks a few steps ahead and I am only hugged and kissed when he wants to play with my ipad or seeking my agreement that he can play the Playstation for a while with his friends.
The truth is that I feel increasingly redundant in his life. I used to be his sun and now I'm just some cold little moon whizzing round Pluto, right on the edge of his universe.
I wish that there was some way of helping parents cope with these strange feelings - the sense of loss, of time passing too quickly..... that we cannot keep him safe for ever.
But it is also tempered with pride - he is turning into a lovely young man, he has a kind heart, he has friends, he should do ok academically...... unless he is beset by his hormones and side-tracked by girls and tempted by all manner of other stuff that he should Bloody Well Stay Away From.
Was I surprised then, that the incoming card for this period was the Rider Waite Smith's Queen of Swords?
Not at all.
I am going to depend upon her no nonsense energies to ensure that my sad thoughts are kicked into line and that I am less emotional about all this stuff. She sets her face towards the future, her sword bolt upright and ready to cut out any overly-maudlin nonsense. Her hand is raised to welcome the next phase.
She tells me that while it's ok for me to honour my feelings, it's also good for me to recognise that they are not FACT and that I can change them. And indeed I MUST change them to make sure that Sonshine's last week at school is memorable for all the right reasons.
Wish her luck. She's going to need it!